Prior to meeting my true-love, I dated a 5 button Logitech girl. I don’t even remember her name, but she and I parted ways because she just wasn’t in a place to do for me what I need at that time… for competitive gaming. It wasn’t her fault, she just wasn’t physically capable of taking care of my needs.
I was slumming the retail outlets at the time, trying to find a new squeeze when I knew this relationship wasn’t going to last, and that’s when I saw her for the first time. It was love at first sight. Computer retailers still had robust peripheral hands-on displays and I knew she was the one for me the first time I held her. The Razer Naga was younger than my last love, less experienced at the time than Logitech, but it felt so right. I took her home that night and with all the options she offered, things were awkward at first. It took some adjusting, and training, but after a couple of weeks I fell for her, hard. She did for me things that nobody had ever done before. She brought me to new highs, seemingly effortlessly. It was almost unfair. She was exactly what I had wanted, and needed, where had she been all my life?! Her dark, sleek curves, satisfying clicks, and unheard-of number of options had me convinced peripheral monogamy was the way to go. We tied the knot and that Logitech girl was just a bad memory.
Since our glorious wedding, I’ve had to bury 2 of my loves over the years, due to wear and tear; Alas things do not last forever. I’m not complaining, this is fine, I’m hard on my mice. My most recent loss was the “Razer Naga Epic”. Except for a small change from the original model, which I found frustrating, it was the perfect mouse, and an overall improvement. She had shifted her two additional top buttons (4 & 5) from the left side, to the middle. This was an awkward change for me, and I have a hard time reaching them both in this position, but it was something I was willing to overlook, she did have 16 other buttons to keep me entertained after all, and there were lots of positives too. Overall, she had evolved for the better. She put on a healthy amount of weight but kept her figure! In fact, she even gave me the option to choose her figure. I opted for the extra curvy model (no ring-finger rest) and fell in love all over again. The fact that she was now wireless, untethered and willing to do it anywhere I wanted was novel and fun, but honestly just gravy to me, my desk was my favorite place anyway and I liked things consistent. It was a match made in heaven, one that lasted many years. As I said earlier, things do not last forever.
A sad day came earlier this year, my Epic could no longer do for me what I needed, and I decided it was time for her to retire. Times have changed, and brick & mortar retail stores have been far less hands-on. Maybe it’s my own fault for not researching more, but I’ve since replaced my beloved Razer Naga “Epic” with the Razer Naga “Trinity”. Wow, is she different and boy, did she let herself go… Gone is the sleek, curvy option I fell in love with for the Epic, or even the original Naga for that matter, and while she lets you choose her buttons, she no longer lets you choose her figure.
The new “volume” to her figure has made things awkward, so much that I’m bumping things I shouldn’t while we’re fooling around in game… This has made my most beloved feature of the Naga, the keypad, a hindrance. Unfortunately, our relationship has become strained due to these changes, so much so that we’ve tried to save it by inviting other peripherals into our once perfect monogamous relationship. I’ve considered switching out the keypad for one of the other less-flexible options so that I’m no longer “bumping things” at the wrong time but every time I consider it I become resentful and bitter, remembering my love lost, the “Epic”…
Please Razer, bring back my love, bring back my Epic!
Rest in Peace.